Return to Camp yay happy fun extra smiley land!
by Ultraviolet Lemur
Summary: One summer ago, they escaped from Camp yay happy fun extra smiley land! or so they thought. Now they're back, and facing such terrors as a cooking contest, a second Debbie, and a trip to Walmart. Will the Naruto peeps survive it?
1. Chapter 1

Bwahaha! It's the return of the infamous camp, and my excuse to be evil some more! Yay!okay, I don't own anything Naruto except my OC. If I did own Naruto, the guys would never wear shirts and and Kabuto would be the main character. Also pleas forgive any misspellings and mistakes in terminology, I watch both the American version and the Japanese subs, so I tend to get them mixed up a bit.

It was an ever so beautiful day in Konoha. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, and the birds were being silent, as all the singing ones had been used for target practice long ago which eventually owing to the process of natural selection led to voiceless bids that communicated by an elaborate series of gestures and body language. Ninjas like to sleep late, and when they hear birds singing outside their window they tend to solve the problem with a pointy object. So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, lovely day and that sort of thing. So anyway,it being a lovely and silent day, various ninja were messing around outside. Shikamaru had resorted to his favorite practice of watching clouds, Neji was ahem "training" with Tenten, and Sasuke was sitting inside in a dark corner being emo. All was normal. Until suddenly, something happened! Each of them disappeared in a puff of smoke, to reappear in a dark room.

"Wow, is this just me, or was that the worst segue into the main plot ever?" asked Sasuke.

"Hey, it could have been worse." said Naruto kicking a smoking box on the floor. "The plot device is broken. We could have ended up with a whole bunch of other people from different villages who would have no earthly reason to be here. Believe it!"

"Funny you should say that..."

"Doh! Believe it!"

"So, we have the whole Konoha group, and the three sand ninjas?" asked Neji. "Well, at least there aren't any more people to bring in."

"Ah, about that..."

"You know what, I think I'm just gonna stop talking."

"Mika!" cried the girls happily upon seeing their old friend from a certain summer camp which they had all agreed would never be mentioned again.

"So, how are you Kabuto doing?" asked Temari, nudging her in the ribs. Mika giggled but didn't say anything.

"Wouldn't you like to know." muttered a voice from the shadows. Sasuke stepped forward and grabbed. "Hey, not the shirt, you're gonna pull it off!" protested everyone's (my) favorite white haired sound ninja as he was pulled into the slightly lighter middle of the room. He brushed himself off and adjusted his glasses looking annoyed.

"Well, the gang's all here." said Kankuro sarcastically. "All of us locked in a dark room, all alone. What now?" There was a pause.

"Oh my god this can only be some sort of adult fanfiction!" someone yelled.

"Nooooo! I don't want to get raped by Sasuke! Believe it! Hold me Hinata!" yelled Naruto trying to leap into Hinata's arms, missing, and settling for hiding behind her instead.

"Don't take me! I'm too young and kitty eared to die! Take my brother, he has a larger following!" Yelled Kankuro pushing Gaara forward and diving into a corner.

"I like you but not in that way!" yelled Choji and Shino at each other.

"No! I'm too young for this! Save me Shikamaru!" yelled Ino, clinging to his arm.

"No, save me Shikamaru!" yelled Temari grabbing his other arm. "I don't want to be paired up with my brothers!"

"Back off he's mine!" snapped Ino.

"Hey, you're just because you're on the same team! I'm canon!" snapped Temari.

"Ladies, ladies, stop being so troublesome. There's plenty of Shikamaru to go around." Said Shikamaru, seeming to be the only one not too worried. But then, he never is. Compared to say Kabuto who was curled up in a corner rocking back and forth.

"No means no Orochimaru, no means no Orochimaru, no means no Orochimaru..."

"Hinata's my cousin! It's just wrong!" moaned Neji. "We're Hyugaas dammit, we have a proud family lineage!"

"Hey, if you even touch Hinata I'm gonna rip your ears off and stuff 'em down your throat! Believe it!" yelled Naruto glaring at Neji.

"I don't want to!"

"Are you, believe it, implying that Hinata isn't hot? How dare you insult my girlfriend!"

"What? I never said that!"

"Oh, so you like her? You are trying to get her! Fine, prepare to die pretty boy! Believe it!"

"Who are you calling pretty?"

"You! Believe it!" Neji rolled his eyes, then slowly started to grin.

"Why Naruto, do you really think that?" he asked taking a few steps closer. "Why, I never realized you thought about me that way." Naruto took a few nervous steps back.

"Uh, uh Neji, I really don't, believe it."

"You know Naruto," said Neji winking at him, "I always thought you had such lovely clear blue eyes..." Naruto twitched.

"Agggh! Brain explode! Believe it!" he yelled, staggering back wards to fall over on the floor twitching.

"Naruto!" cried Hinata, whacking her cousin on the head before trying to comfort the twitching Naruto.

"Well, that was both amusing and disgusting. Quick Tenten, kiss me to reaffirm my masculinity!"

"What are you mmmmph!"

"I'm not emo and I do not have to be saved from my cutter ways by the appearance of a cheerful yet caring person who will slowly turn my life around and then smex me up!" yelled Sasuke. "ye gods I get hurt enough when I'm fighting, what makes you think I'd want to do it even _more_?"

"And I'm not hooking up with Ino!We're just friends!" snapped Sakura.

"I'll save you Sakura! Youth away!" yelled Lee jumping into the air to land next to Sakura. "Quick! We shall become a couple and then the fanfic writers will be powerless against it!"

"Save me Sasuke!" yelled Sakura leaping into his arms. Well actually, just jumping at him and when he didn't put his arms out to catch her, grabbing him around the throat and wrapping her legs around his chest to cling to him like a spider monkey.

"Ummm, Sakura, I can't breathe and your, um, I mean, your chest is just level with my, ah, umm, I mean, I can see, ummm..." Sasuke attempted to make complete sentecnes with a very distracting view in front of him.

"Oooh! Oooh!" said Mika jumping up and down. "I volunteer that Kabuto and I sacrifice ourselves to save you guys and"

"No!" snapped Kabuto. "I'm not letting you."

"But what's wrong with wanting to feed each other ice cream in a disgustingly mushy way long enough to distract the fans and let everyone else escape?" she asked. "Seriously, what did you think I was gonna say?" (ha ha, get your minds out of the gutter you silly people you. And if you find mine, would you bring it back?)

"Ice cream? Where?" said Choji.

"Ah, nevermind. Anyway, I think that the first order of business is to get out of this shed thing." said Mika.

"Well how are we supposed to do that?" snapped Neji. "There are no windows! There is no door! There is no way to get out of this stupid place!" he yelled in frustration and kicked the wall. Which promptly fell down. They all stared. "Well, um, scratch that last." muttered Neji. "Shall we go?" they all walked out slowly, blinking in the suddenly bright light and looking around for enemies. But what they saw was a place completely deserted, yet eerily familiar...

Ha, I leave you at a cliffhanger! Indeed, I am so very evil. Ten points to anyone who can guess where they are! And twenty points to anyone who realizes it's in the TITLE!!


	2. Chapter 2

If you've figured out where they are, congratulations. If you haven't, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? In the mean time, Naruto is still not mine despite repeated attempts to buy it. Apparently five dollars isn't enough for them. However, I have managed to purchase a knockoff Naroodoh while in New York. The fine people there also sold me several totally genuine Rolex watches for only a fraction of the price! And people say they aren't nice there.

"Oh. No." said Neji, staring around him.

"This can not possibly be happening." said Sasuke.

"Sweet mother of all chakra!" yelled Sakura.

"My god, it's full of smiley faces." said Mika in awe. For lo, they had found themselves in a place they had sworn never to even speak of again, so horrible was it. Camp Yay Happy Fun Extra Smiley Land, also known as the Valley of the Smiley Faces, Camp of Doom, That Place With the Weird Really Long Name, and For the Love of God Help Me There's A Counselor Gnawing On My Leg. As if to accentuate the horror, a familiar face appeared. A peppy blond camp counselor with a scarily cheerful smile and perky voice.

"Hi new friends! I just know we'll all have loads of fun together!"

"Nooo! I thought we already vanquished her! I like my internal organs, please don't eat me!" yelled Kankuro.

"Hee hee! You're so silly!" she giggled. "The old counselor with, ummmm, a few silly little quirks was Deb. I'm _Debbie_!" she said giggling. Everyone moved back with a convulsive shudder.

"Oh yeah? Well that doesn't explain why we're here!" snapped Kiba, mustering enough courage to take a step forward.

"Why, I just made myself a summoning scroll for all of you of course!" said the counselor unrolling a long scroll with all their names, her name, some generically mystical symbols, and whatever the heck else goes on a summoning scroll. They all stared.

"Hang on a sec, I'm supposed to be the smart one, and I say you can't summon people!" said Sakura. "You can only summon giant sentient snakes, and, um, frogs, and slugs...and...yeah...You know what just go on."

"Well anyway, like I said,. I have this super fun summoning scroll, so you guys get to stay here _all summer long!_ Won't that be fun?"

"Ah ha ha, yes, fun." said Temari stepping away.

"But. Umm. You know what? We haven't been here in a while. So. We need to. Um. Go reorient ourselves! Yeah. So we're just gonna all go way over there. Way way over there." said Sasuke pointing.

"Okay! I hope you all remember where your cabins are!" said the counselor. They all forced grins onto their faces (Gaara looked like he was about to rip someone's throat out, Sasuke and Neji appeared to have just had painful root canals, and Kabuto looked slightly unhinged) then ran for it as soon as the counselor turned.

"Okay everyone, we need a plan of action here!" said Mika. "Sure the counselor is able to summon us at any time, but other than that, what are our advantages here? Surely our respective teachers will notice we're missing and come rescue us right?" There was a collective "ummm..." from the group. Mika slapped a hand over her forehead. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Yeah, well, technically, no." said Sasuke. "Kakashi got tired of us interrupting him from reading his "special" novels and ran off, and told Tsunade to send us of on some wild goose chase."

"Yeah, to go help some guy from, the coffee country? Something like that, with some stupid race."

"The Tea country. Believe it!"

"Yeah, that."

Meanwhile

"Hello? I'm being menaced by a guy with an umbrella and a few morons in straitjackets with breather masks! Shouldn't there be some ninjas here to reunite me with my long lost brother and help me win the race and stuff? Hello?"

"Dude, we're filler. Nobody cares about us,"

"What? Filler! Dammit they promised me a place on the main plot!"

"Hey, don't look at me. I wanted a part in Inuyasha. But nooooo. Be in Naruto they said. It's so popular! You'll be a star in no time! And now looks at me, playing second fiddle to a girly boy with an umbrella."

"Hey! I heard that! Don't insult the umbrella. My mom says it's cool..."

(This will probably make more sense if you've seen episodes 102-however long that pansy race filler arc goes on. Filler episodes, grrrr. But anyway, back to the plot!)

"Oooookay, so no help from Kakshi. Will anyone be looking for any of the other groups from Leaf?"

"Sorry, Asuma sent us off on a troublesome survival trip in the wilderness to "hone our ninja skills. He'll expect us to be gone for days." said Shikamaru with a shrug.

"Kurenai sent us off on a vacation, she won't expect us back for maybe weeks." explained Kiba.

"Gai will probably think we're just off on "youthful exploits." muttered Neji.

"Okay, so no help from Konoha. Okay, how about you guys from Sand? Won't anyone come looking for you?"

"Do I really have to answer that question?" asked Temari.

"Yeah, thought so. Um. Kabuto? Any help from your side?"

"No, Orochimaru told me he was doing something very important and sent me off for a few days so I wouldn't disturb him. I don't know what he's up to but its probably something very intricate and time consuming." said Kabuto.

Meanwhile, back at Orochimaru's hideout...

Orochimaru looked around cautiously. Yes. Everyone was gone. He went over to his bookshelf and cautiously pulled out something that had been hidden behind the bookshelf and slipped it out of it's case. Then, he slipped the video into the TV.

"Allright everyone!" said a cheerful voice as a happy looking woman in a leotard and sweatbands appeared on the screen. "Welcome to Tighter Buns in Thirty Days! Are you ready! We're gonna start with some leg lifts! And left two three, right two three left two three now come on! High kick! Good, keep going! Right two three" Distracted by the loud bouncy exercise music Orochiamru never heard the door open.

"Hello? Orochimaru? It's Kisame. I'm returning that cupcake pan Itachi borrowed from you last sleepover. Hello?" He turned towards the source of the music. "Oh, he must be in there. Hey OrochiOHMYGOD! It burns! It burrrrrrns! The pain!" The cupkcake pan clattered to the floor as Kisame fell over trying to claw his eyes out from the sight of Orochimaru doing high kicks in spandex. Orochimaru turned around.

"Hey, what's wrong with my outfit? I like spandex. I got it from a nice guy with a bowl cut and huge eyebrows! Actually, he said he'd be along later if you want to meet him. But really! I like it so much, I think I'll make it my official uniform! And maybe with some purple bows..."

Meanwhile, back at camp, Sasuke suddenly shuddered.

"What's wrong Sasuke?" asked Sakura.

"I just had this horrible feeling that someone was going to make me wear a really fruity outfit!" he cried in horror.

"Oh Sasuke, that's just silly! It's not like you would ever wear anything like a man skirt, or a big purple bow or anything!"

"Yeah, you're right Sakura. That would just be ridiculous."

"Okay people, enough talking about Sasuke's wardrobe, let's talk tactics here!" snapped Temari. "And there's nothing wrong with purple..."

"Well, lets see. We're stranded here at camp demonspawn, nobody is going to know we're gone for at least several days by which time the trail will be cold, and the counselor is able to summon us from anywhere at anytime." Anything else?" asked Gaara sarcastically.

"Aww, is someone being a mister grumpypants?" asked Mika, pinching him on the cheek.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?!" snapped Kabuto.

"Nah, he's so angry he can't decide what to kill first." said Mika, pointing to a twitchy Gaara, who had an angry gleam in his eyes. "By the time he snaps out of it he'll have forgotten the whole thing."

"Funny, because there's a ton of sand heading your way." said Kabuto nonchalantly.

"What? Agh!" she manged to leap out of the way into his arms, and instead the huge pile of sand landed on Lee with a whump. Underneath was heard a muffled "Noo! Why did the power of youth not protect me?"

"Would you let go of my neck now? It's making it rather hard to breathe." said Kabuto.

"I'm considering it." said Mika. "But barring that, the thing we need to do is get that summoning scroll and destroy it. She won't be able to make another, so we'll just run off and there won't be anything she can do."

"That seems reasonable." said Neji reluctantly. "But how do we do that?"

"In the morning." interrupted Ino. "It's getting dark outside and I'm cold, and I need my beauty sleep. Besides, everyone knows you can't think as well when you're tired."

"Wait woman, are you seriously proposing that we go to sleep leaving ourselves vulnerable in a unexplored territory known to be hostile?" snapped Kankuro.

"Yep."

"Oh. Well then. Um. I guess that sounds allright then."

"Actually I am kind of tired. Which way were the cabins again?"

"That way. I really hope they remodeled the boy's cabin."

"Me too. Preferably with more beds so I don't have to sleep under one of them again."

"Oh stop whining."

"I was kidnapped by dust bunnies and forced to slave in their dust mines until I could escape."

"Oh that's nothing. This one time I"

"Hey guys, do you think we're forgetting something?"

"Well normally with a stereotypical question like that I would go back and look, because that would naturally mean that we ironically enough left something important behind and won't discover it until we need it and the situation bites us in the back in a comical fashion. However, I'm too tired for that. There's nothing that can't be left until morning or another person doesn't have twenty of, considering the only thing we had when we left were our weapons."

"Dude, you only carry twenty weapons?"

Meanwhile, back behind them, ironically and totally unexpectedly, Lee had been left trapped under the pile of sand.

"Nooo! Why is my youth not enough to move this pile of sand! Youth, why have you betrayed me? I would shake my fist at you were it not buried under ten feet of the object I would be shaking it at!"

Heh. Lee ended his sentence with a preposition. Shame on him!


	3. Chapter 3

I still don't own Naruto, but someday, you just wait! I also don't own My Little Pony. Or a monkey.

The sun dawned bright and early the next day. Kiba yawned and stretched in his bed.

"Ah, Akamaru, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed that we were back at that horrible camp with a terrifying counselor and for some strange reason so were those three from the sand team, plus Kabuto and some girl from a village I've never heard of. Hah, as if people from so many villages could ever be conveniently gathered into one place..." However, Kiba was rudely interrupted by a loud bugle call that seemed to trumpet right into his ear. All the guys leaped out of bed, making various hand signals to activate sharingan and byakugan among other jutsu, which eventually resulted in large holes being blown out of the wall and numerous things set on fire. A voice over the loudspeaker went on oblivious of the minor chaos going on in the boy's cabin.

"Attention all campers. Please wake up now. Kthanxbye!"

"All that for a simple wake up call? So troublesome." muttered Shikamaru as he extinguished his bed.

Meanwhile, in the girls cabin, a soft chiming went off. The girls stretched and sat up at the sound.

"What's that?" muttered Ino sleepily.

"Good morning!" said a voice over the PA system. "It's time to wake up! Be ready for breakfast in an hour or so!"

"Well isn't that a nice way to wake up?" said Sakura.

"Yes, it's rather pleasant." agreed Temari. "I wonder how the boys are doing?"

"Oh, I'm sure they're just fine." Now, let's switch to the boys who are certainly not engaged in a stereotypical ironically disastrous incident as many authors are wont to do when someone makes that sort of comment.

"Well how was I supposed to know that blasting the floor would wake up the ancient evil entombed beneath for centuries?"

"Shut up and start hitting the thing!"

"My leg! It's got my _leg!_"

"There's tentacles everywhere! Oh my god this is like some sort of horrible fanfic!"

Dammit, I just can't leave these people alone for five minutes. Looks like I've got another mess to clean up.

"Wow!" said Sasuke. "It sure was amazing how a huge meteor came out of nowhere and squashed the monster while leaving the rest of ununharmed!"

"And then how that swarm of helpful elves came along and fixed everything up for us! That was pretty cool believe it!" said Naruto.

"I don't know, I don't really like their taste in decorations. Really, electric blue drapes with lemon yellow wallpaper?" asked Kabuto, picking up a rather gaudy ornament that might have been a vase until it was assaulted by sequins.

"Agh! How can you troublesome people not notice that this sort of thing does not happen coincidentally? Something is controlling this!" snapped Shikamaru. "First of all a counselor untrained in any type of ninjitsu creates a complicated summoning scroll for over a dozen people _at once_, including two people who should never have been able to get into Konoha and be dragged along on the whole thing anyway as well as three who should have been back in the sand village, then drags us out into the middle of nowhere, where we are assaulted by an ancient evil monster who happens to be right below our cabin, which is then vanquished by a pinpoint meteor, and then the whole mess is fixed up by elves which aren't even supposed to exist! DOES NONE OF THIS STRIKE YOU AS ODD AT ALL?!?!?!!?" Everyone stared at him in blank incomprehension. He sighed.

"And besides, Gaara hasn't even tried to kill _anyone _yet."

"You're right! This is highly irregular." agreed Neji. "it's almost as if some sort of all powerful being is influencing this for her own amusement! But how would"

"Hey look a monkey!" interrupted Choji. "Let's all go look at the monkey!"

"Well I'm suddenly distracted and have lost all interest in anything said previously!" said Kankuro.

"Yes! Monkeys! Believe it!" said Naruto. Everyone gathered around too ooh and ah at the monkey.

"No! You fools! This is another attempt by whoever's doing this to distract you! You must not let it, oh look, another monkey! Hey there little guy! Aren't you very Ahh! Ahh! It's got my face! Get it off! The pain! Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!!"

Hey, don't look at me, he asked for it. So anyway, after that small incident with monkey was over, and Shikamaru had been given a rabies shot, everyone got together to discuss strategy before breakfast. Yeah, strategy. That's totally what they're doing.

"Aww come on Neji, please? It would be fun."

"No Tenten, I've told you, I don't feel comfortable with this."

"Aww come on, please? It'll be fun! Just this once!"

"No. I've never even let anyone do this with me before!"

"Relax, I've done this a ton of times! Come on, it won't hurt, I promise! And I've been dying to do it ever since we got together!"

"Well, if you say you're experienced with it..."

"Of course, how do you think my hair gets this way every morning, magical hair pixies? I'm good at it! Now come here. I think you'd look good with a braid!"

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Of course it is. And besides, I love styling people's hair, and yours is so long and pretty!"

"Hn."

Well, the rest of them are in various stages of getting ready, you know, brushing teeth, getting dressed, that sort of thing. Now would probably be the most inconvenient time ever for the counselor to summon them! So of course, there was a large puff of smoke, and they all reappeared in the main building where the counselor was waiting. She began to talk, oblivious of the fact that her various happy campers were neither happy nor prepared. Tenten was playing with Neji's hair, Neji had pulled his forehead so as not to have to look at all the people staring at Tenten playing with his hair, Sakura had a toothbrush sticking out of her mouth, Sasuke was in the act of putting on a shirt, and had gotten tangled up in it and fallen over at the shock of being summoned, Naruto was asleep standing up, and everyone was in various stages of getting ready for the wonderful bright shiny day.

"Well good morning! Isn't it a lovely day?" chirped the counselor brightly, earning glares from the various half asleep people. "We're going to do an extra fun activity today!" she went on cheerfully, making most of them outright want to kill her. "Can you guess what it is?" she asked. She was met with blank eyed silence. "You're going to have a cooking contest!" she announced. Everyone perked up at that.

"Food?" asked Choji.

"Will there be ramen?" asked Naruto with sparkling eyes.

"A chance to prove my superiority?" said Sasuke.

"Fire and sharp objects?" asked Mika hopefully.

"Finally all those girly classes me and Sakura took are going to pay off!" squealed Ino.

"That's Sakura and _I_." said Naruto helpfully.

"Oh shut up, that's already been done by someone much fore talented than this author." snapped Ino. (hey!) "I just tell it like it is." she muttered.

"Yes! A cooking contest! Oh Gai sensei, I will use the explosive power of youth to make a flan! And if I can not make a flan, I will make five souffles! And if I can not make five souffles, I will make ten"

"Yes! Cooking! Yay!" interrupted the counselor to everyone's relief. "Now, go outside where numerous cooking apparatus and food have suddenly appeared for no easily explainable reason! Won't this be fun?" She herded them all outside.

"What could this stove possibly be plugged into?" asked Neji, circling it a few times.

"The ground of course! Now get busy!" said the counselor. "You have one hour! The winner will get this!" she whipped something out of nowhere. Everyone recoiled in horror.

"No! Make it go away!" cried Gaara.

"It burns! It burns!" cried Sasuke falling over.

"That should never have been allowed to exist." murmured Shino in terrified awe.

It was pink. It was sparkly. It resembled some sort of My Little Pony, that had been attacked by glitter and smiley faces and rhinestones and more glitter. It had huge shiny eyes and a wide, almost demented smile on it's overly cute horsey face. There was a pink ribbon tied around its neck.

"So remember, the winner gets this awesome prize, so be sure to do your best!" she said before waltzing away. Everyone glanced at each other uneasily before each making a silent vow to create _the worst possible food ever. _And thus, with dramatic italic letters, it began.

Ha ha! Now, prepare for the worst food combinations ever! Seriously, don't eat when you're reading the next chapter, or great doom shall befall! Well actually, you might just lose your appetite, but still. Um. Dooom! Doom I say! DOOOOOOM!


	4. Chapter 4

I still don't own Naruto, or my little pony, or jello. I do however own a packet of blue jello which is totally the best jello flavor ever.

"And make sure to name your culinary masterpieces!" The counselors voice drifted back

Everyone glanced around at the various baskets stacked high with food and the magical microwaves, stoves, and ovens that were somehow running outside despite the lack of electricity, or even sockets. And then they got to work, creating the worst food products possible to avoid having to get the scary pink prize Thing. That's right, it's so freaky it gets a capital T. Look upon it, ye mortals, and despair! Ia Ia pink pony Thing Ftaghn! Yes. That is what I say. Moving on! Let's take a look at each contestant in turn. We'll start with Kiba!

Kiba had cheerfully filled a large pot full of Cheez Wiz and set it on top of the stove. As it melted into an unspeakable gooey mess, he gleefully added handfuls of marshmallows, giggling like man on the edge, before emptying most of a jar of spicy deli mustard into the gloop.

"Yes Akamaru! No one will even be able to look at it! No one will be able to eat it! And the scary pony Thing will go away forever! And it will just be us again, all alone, yes precious, meeheeheeehee!" he muttered rocking back and forth, and letting the mess in the pot boil some more.

Hinata, being a rather mild mannered person, wasn't making a horrible dish as avidly as Kiba. She'd simply settled for dumping a carton of Zesty Squid Ice Cream (now with extra raisins!) into a bowl and letting it melt, and tossing in a jarful of cayenne pepper flakes.

Shino had filled a bowl full of bananas, and used his affinity with bugs to let a few dozen maggots run rampant through it, then covered it with chocolate syrup and sprinkled, with surprising delicacy, a handful of cilantro over it. Before smashing the entire thing by dumping a big slab of raw tofu on top.

Mika had gone for the option of making normal food totally inedible, and had tossed a bunch or random stuff into a pan and set it all on fire until it was a pile of charcoaly lumps. Deciding that it needed a little color, she set a little paper umbrella over it. She stepped back to examine it.

"Hmm. Maybe it needs some parsley to garnish it..."

Kabuto had a pot of who knows what on the stove, bubbling. Occasionally lumps floated to the surface and tried to climb over the sides until he beat them back in with a spoon. He had a brief pitched battle with it, as it extended a tentacle to grab him by the wrist and try to drag him in. He bravely stabbed at it with a fork until it let go with a shriek

"Ugh, I hate it when the food gains sentience." he muttered.

Gaara had put a few poor innocent vegetables on a plate and pulverized them with a fist of sand until they were mangled and unrecognizable, but other than that seemed disincline to do anything more.

Kankuro, after staring in perplexity at the stove for ten minutes, twiddling various knobs and burning his fingers, had given up and slapped a raw fish into a taco shell.

"It's a fish taco!" he muttered when Temari gave him a questioning stare.

Temari had discovered a jar of pickled pork rinds, and was heaping them over a loaf of fruitcake like there was no tomorrow, which would probably be true for whoever ate it.

Ino had tossed a bag of potato chips into a pot and poured in a jug of grape juice to go with it. Glancing down she shrugged and pulled up a handful of grass and threw it in as well.

"Eww, I got a grasshopper in with that." she said.

"What?! Noooo! My poor baby! Why! Why did you die so young? Oh why couldn't it have been me?" wailed Shino.

"Oh stop whining. What can you do with a grasshopper anyway? Eat all the grass in the yard of someone obsessed with their lawn jutsu?" snapped Ino. Shino gasped.

"How did you learn our secret technique?"

Choji was just sitting and wolfing down the food all around him.

"Oh my precious food, how could I ever defile you by making you into something awful? munch munch Oh it's terrible! Horrible! chomp chomp I don't think I can do it! I'd sooner die! I'll, oh, here's a cabbage, I don't like those, this can be my entry."

Shikamaru had put a pickle on a plate and stuck in a pickle with a maraschino cherry on top. He flopped back, looking exhausted.

"Ugh, all this cooking is so troublesome." he complained.

Sakura, of the opinion that the worst possible thing would be something that looked good but tasted horrible, had spent a little bit of time creating what looked like a normal pizza. But, the crust was made not out of pizza dough but of sourdough bread (I hate that stuff so much, I really do) that was burnt on the bottom where you couldn't see it. Her pizza sauce was in fact a mixture of pulped chili peppers and clam juice that looked almost exactly like what it was supposed to be. The cheese was melted cheese, but of a horrible smelly variety which she had found in the back a cabinet. And hidden under the cheese were all sorts of nasty things like slices of lemon, pieces of frog legs, licorice (I also hate licorice. If you don't, it _still_ wouldn't taste good on a pizza like this) and beet slices. Then, with the lumps covered by slices of cow tongue masquerading as pepperoni, all that was left was to drizzle vinegar over the whole thing and sit back.

Naruto had cleverly decided that the worst possible dish would _nothing at all_. So he had simply put out an empty plate.

"Hah! This will totally be the best worst dish ever! I'm the hokage of making bad dishes! Believe it! Take this Sasuke! Mine is totally better than yours!"

"Oh yeah?" said Sasuke. "Well take a look at this! A hideous concoction of raw squid, cauliflower, sour cream, onions, and something green and fuzzy I found on the ground, all blended together into and recognizable paste and put on crackers! No one can beat it for sheer horribleness!"

"Shut up Sasuke! Mine is totally worse, right Hinata?"

"Um, well"

"No way! Mine is the worst, isn't it Sakura?"

"Well I think"

"See! My girlfriend agrees with me!" snarled Naruto and Sasuke at each other.

Tenten, being rather tomboyish, hadn't been too great at cooking in the first place, so she just went ahead and tried to bake a cake, being deliberately worse than usual. After dropping in too many eggs, shell and all and adding salt instead of sugar, and deciding that a pack of grape jello was a great secret ingredient, then setting it on fire in an attempt to cook it, she ended up with a wobbling, half burnt mass of something which she dumped on a plate.

Neji was having considerably more trouble, having never been introduced to the fine art of cooking before. He was currently trying to douse the his creation, which had caught on fire, by repeatedly hitting it with a frying pan.

"Tenten! Help me!" he yelled. Tenten sighed and dumped a conveniently placed bucket of water over everything. She glanced at the smoldering green goop in his bowl, which didn't seem to have been particularly affected by catching on fire.

"What did you even put in here?" she asked.

"I really don't know." said Neji staring at it.

Ironically Lee, the only one really trying, was making a really horrible dish.

"Why I think that curry would go great on top of this eggplant and squid brains, don't you Gai Sensei?" he asked the small effigy of Gai he had carved out of a zucchini. "And then if I add some raw eggs for strength, and milk for protein, and some healthy broccoli it will be even better! And, ooh! Look! Those mushrooms growing on the ground over there will make it even better! I'll just toss them in, and there! Yes! The power of youth had prevailed in making a wonderful food! Oh, Gai sensei, if only you were here right now!"

Just as they were all finishing up, the counselor came waltzing back in.

"Tim!" she yelled. "Time to show off your marvelous creations!" Everyone glanced around guiltily. "All right, get to it! Start tasting each other's foods, and then decide which one is best!" she said happily.

"What?" Everyone whirled around to utter some form of this exclamation.

"But, weren't _you_ going to judge them?" asked Temari in the faint voice of someone who had just seen her brothers do unspeakable things to poor innocent food.

"Why, of course not! I thought it would be more fun if you all got to do it!" said the counselor, oblivious to their panicked stares.

"Oh fate, why did you have to do this to me?" moaned Neji.

"Allright, come on! Let's start with you!" said the counselor, pointing to Kiba, who gave the panicked grin of someone who knew that the people who would have to eat his creation knew where he slept. "What do you call this?" she asked.

"Umm. It's, um, cheese, soup?" he said. Everyone stared at it, watching a bubble rise to the top and pop as though with great fascination.

"Well, everyone grab you spoons and dig in!" said the counselor. Everyone tried their hardest to get the tiniest possible amount of "soup" on their spoons. Finally, when it was unavoidable, they tasted it. Everyone shuddered. Sasuke summed up the general consensus.

"Not incredibly awful, just overly cheesy, and I don't even want to know what that sweet flavor I tasted was." Everyone sighed with relief and moved on. Little did they know, it would only get worse. Hinata cringed as the gathered around her bowl.

"And what do you call this?" asked the counselor.

"Umm. Melted ice cream with with cayenne pepper in it." said Hinata truthfully.

"Well, that's, an...interesting name." said the counselor sounding puzzled. "Dig in everyone!" The general judgment on Hinata's was

"Oh my god is that squid?"

"Agh! My mouth is on fire!"

"Eww, I hate raisins."

Then they moved on to Shino's. Everyone stared at it for a moment.

"Well, what do you call this one?"

"It's, well, I guess it's, bananas. And tofu."

"How...original. Well, get to it." The general feeling on Shino's dish was as follows.

"If you just get some of the tofu on top it's merely disgusting."

"Why is it wiggling?"

"I taste chocolate. Why do I taste chocolate? No don't answer that, I don't want to know."

"Really? Mine tastes like chicken."

"That's because you got a maggot."

"I got a WHAT?!?!"

They moved on to Mika's creation. If possible, it appeared to have gotten even more burnt in the interval. It was still smoking.

"After Shino's food, this looks almost edible." observed Kabuto. "The umbrella's a nice touch. Festive."

"Well, what do you call this?" asked the counselor.

"Well, it's flambe of, um, stuff." said Mika. The opinion on hers was

"Not too bad, compared to everything else."

"At least the overly burnt taste gets the squid taste out of my mouth."

"Ow! It's pointy! Believe it!"

"That's because you're eating the umbrella stupid."

"And sadly, it's still the best thing I've had so far." Then they moved onto Kabuto's.

"It's. Um. Soup." said Kabuto without elaborating further. His dish caused a quick discussion among the judges. They emerged from their huddle to pronounce judgment.

"I can't get a spoonful of this because it dissolves my spoon."

"Yeah. And then it winked at me." Everyone moved on in relief at being spared, while Kabuto's whatever it was crawled out of the pot and ran for the woods. Only to stare at Gaara's food unhappily.

"And what do you call this, thing?" asked the counselor.

"What does it look like?" snapped Gaara. Mika leaned in closer.

"Looks like vegetables. A la sand."

"Ooh! I like that! It sounds French!" said the counselor. The pronouncement of Gaara's food was "It's not too bad if you're okay with vegetables, but all that sand makes it really gritty." And then it was Kankuro's turn. Everyone stared at his creation for a while too.

"It's a fish taco!" he protested to all their accusing stares.

"I am not eating raw fish."

"Absolutely not."

"No way."

"Well if the temperature here was right instead of being all cold and messed up it would be cooked by now!"

Luckily for everyone and their fear of having to eat raw fish, Akamaru spied what seemed to him a tasty treat and snatched the fish away to run off somewhere and eat it. Or perhaps to sing it love songs and dance the night away, I really don't know. So they moved on with short lived relief to Temari's dish. They stared at her soggy lump of pork rinds and fruit cake. Everything was stared at as long as possible, to prolong the moment before they had to eat it.

"So, what is this?" asked the counselor.

"Umm. It's fruitcake surprise?"

"What's the surprise?"

"It's covered in parts of the pig sane people throw away."

"Well that's, certainly surprising."

I'll spare you their trials in actually eating it (picked pork rinds are very rubbery) and give you the opinions.

"Why does it have to be _rubbery_?"

"I need to go wash my mouth out now with soap and holy water."

"A merciful god would never have allowed this to be created!"

Then they moved on to Ino's creation. There was more mourning for the grasshopper on Shino's part, and he insisted on it being given a proper burial (picked out and flung into the woods when he wasn't looking) before he could go on.

"So this is?"

"Um, potato grape soup. Yeah." The pronouncements were as follows.

"It tastes like salty kind of dirty grape juice."

"I have some sort of soggy lump. It's either a dirt clod or a potato chip."

"Not the worst, but still something no person in their right mind would eat."

They moved onto Choji's cabbage with absolute glee.

"At last! Untouched food!"

"It's like ambrosia! Only with cabbage!"

"Come to me sweet sweet vegetable of delight!"

Shikamaru's was greeted with joyful tears.

"It's pickle surprise." he said.

"What's so surprising about a pickle?"

"It's got a maraschino cherry on it you troublesome woman? What more do you want?"

"It actually tastes good!"

"I like pickles!"

"Ow! This one's pointy too!"

"That's because you're eating the toothpick moron!"

After two comparatively good dishes, everyone had been lulled into a false sense of security, and thus were completely taken in by Sakura's fake pizza.  
"Wow, this actually looks good!"

"Eh heh. I call this pizza _surprise_." said Sakura, emphasizing the surprise. "Yes, it would be very surprising to someone expecting pizza because it contains a surprising surprise yes indeed!" she said, making furious "no" gestures. Sadly, everyone was a bit too dense to figure it out. They all grabbed a slice and got ready to take a big bite. Sakura watched Sasuke lift it to his mouth. "Sasuke, nooooooooooooo!" she cried, leaping at him in slow motion. But it was too late. Everyone had already taken a bite and chewed.

"Oh dear gods, why?"

"The horror! The horror!"

"Nooo!"

"Why me! Why couldn't it have been Naruto?"

"This tastes so horrible, I can't even think of a nasty reply!Believe it!"

Naruto's empty plate was greeted with some confusion.

"Why did you not participate in the happy fun cooking?" wailed the counselor.

"I did! It's just, uh, invisible! Yeah, invisible! Believe it!"

"Oh, how original!" Everyone nodded as the pretended to take a bite of Naruto's nonexistent food.

"That's...great!"

"Mmmm good!"

"Yes! Utterly!"

"I quite agree with the aforementioned comments!"

But it was only so long that they could pretend to eat Naruto's food before they had to move onto Sasuke's...whatever it was, on crackers.

"What's this?" asked the counselor.

"It's, umm. Cracker spread. On crackers."

"Well, as long as it's on crackers it can't be so bad right?" said Tenten. Little did she know...

"I was wrong!"

"Oh crackers, why have you betrayed me?"

"It's like you pulled up some random thing you found on the ground and put it on a cracker!"

"Well actually I,"

"No! Don't finish that sentence!" They moved on.

"Even something Tenten made has to be better than that."

"Hey!"

"Now now kids, be nice!" said the counselor cheerfully. "So, what do you call your dainty creation.

"Jello cake!" said Tenten, grinning in the direction of the previous commenter.

"Come on, eat it while it's, uh, wobbly!" They stared at it. It wobbled. They stared. It wobbled. Stare. Wobble. Stare. Wobble. Finally one brave soul took a bite, and was followed by the rest.

"I Neji, being sound of mind and body..."

"It wobbles all the way down!"

"Make the jiggling stop!"

"What are you talking about guys? This is almost as great as the power of youth!"

They moved on to Neji's food next.

"Only two more left, only two more left..." Shikamaru chanted to himself.

"So, what do you call this concoction?" asked the counselor.

"I really have no idea."

"How fascinating!" Everyone reached in. It stuck to the spoon in a large gooey mass that sloooooooowly oozed down it. Everyone hurried to taste it before it dripped on them.

"Neji, you're an even worse cook than Tenten!"

"Hey!"

"HEY!

"It tastes even worse than it looks!"

"This is worse than the time Gai tried his stripper no jutsu!"

Finally, (drumroll please) they moved on to the last dish. Lee's. Everyone grabbed a spoonful, just to get it over with. Sadly, the wild mushroom Lee had thrown in their caused some interesting results."

"Ohmygod they're coming through the walls!"

"The whale! The great...white...whale!"

"I can bend the very fabric of time and space!"

"Weehee heee am dizzy I spinning stop ground won't!"

"I...am the king of all sloths!"

The only people not affected were Lee, because no one had to eat their own creations, Choji, because he could eat anything, and Kabuto who had wisely pretended to but not actually eaten the stuff in what was not a blatant display of favoritism by the author for her favorite character.

"What has happened to our youthful companions?" asked Lee. "This strange behavior is not conducive to youth at all!" Kabuto sighed.

"Just, start dragging them back to their cabins so they won't run off and get eaten by alligators or something."

"I hear alligators are pretty tasty." said Choji.

"And you, no talking."

"Why, how could you even contemplate eating our youthful alligator friends?"

"That goes for you too."

They glanced at the poor saps who hadn't been so lucky and had mostly fallen over babbling, then sighed and dragged their respective cabins, where Sasuke would wake up to find himself in a sink which had been inexplicably left on.

Why yes I did have way too much fun with this chapter, thanks for asking. But don't worry, after being so mean to them in this chapter, I'm going to be nice to them in the next chapters. For a given value of nice. Or something.


	5. Chapter 5

Hi peoples! It's me again. Umm. I hope you enjoy this next chapter. It gets kind of racy, so, if you've got any small children who against all logic you've been reading this to, don't read it to them. Or something. Yeah. Enjoy!

Sasuke was standing in a big grassy field. The sun shone softly overhead, the wind blew through the grass, and Sakura was in his arms.

"Oh Sasuke." she said softly, leaning her head against his shoulder. "You make me feel _so_ happy. And I always feel safe when I'm with you. In fact..." she paused, long enough for Sasuke to notice that she was clad only in a lacy almost see though nightgown. "I think it's time for us to get...closer."

"Do you mean...?" asked Sasuke.

"Yes! I don't care what anyone else says! I just want to be yours, to know we spent this one perfect night together!" she cried.

"Sakura, if this is really how you feel,"

"Oh Sasuke!" she cried. "Kiss me!" he leaned towards her, his eyes closed. But he noticed Sakura seemed a bit...taller, than she should have been? And more...muscular. He opened his eyes.

"Hiya big boy." said Naruto, batting his eyes.

"Aghhhhhhhh!" Sauske screamed (like a little girl) and disentangled himself from the embrace,s printing away as fast as he could.

"Come back schnooky wooky!" called Naruto chasing after him.

"Do not ever call me that again! Get away from me!" Sasuke yelled back over his shoulder, beginning to be aware that something had gone horribly horribly wrong.

"Oh darling, don't you love me anymore? I thought what we had was special!" wailed Naruto.

"Not on your life!"

"Just stop running away and we can work things out! Did I do something wrong?I could..." Naruto paused to wink suggestively, "make it up to you."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sasuke redoubled his pace.

"Why are you running? It's not going to do any good!"

Sasuke realized to his horror that Naruto was right. He had just reached the edge of a cliff. He screeched to a halt as he realized, just in time to see a few rocks drop into the crashing sea below.

"There now, I've got you!" said Naruto, coming up and blocking off his exit route. "What's wrong with you honey buns? You seem so tense."

"Well duh!" snapped Sasuke. "Okay okay, calm down. This can't possibly be real." he said to himself. "I'm going out with Sakura. Naruto is going out with Hinata. This is some sort of freak occurrence."

"Sasuke!" gasped Naruto. "I thought we agreed never again to speak of them!"

"What?" asked Sasuke, genuinely confused. "Why wouldn't I talk about my girlfriend?"

"Because they're not anymore! They cruelly broke our hearts and then went out with each other! And on our anniversaries too! The sorrow drove us into each other's arms and we've been together since!" said Naruto, striking a heartbroken pose.

"Wait wait, Sakura is making out with another girl somewhere? WHY AM I NOT TAPING THIS?" yelled Sasuke. "I need a video camera and ten blank videos stat!" he grabbed Naruto by the shoulders and shook him wildly, momentarily forgetting the situation. "Why are you just standing there man? Get to it!" Naruto glanced down at Sasuke's hand on his shoulder.

"Sasuke! You're touching me! Does this mean we're all better now?" Sasuke snatched back his hand and backed away, wiping it on his shirt as he did. "Aww, I guess not. Would it be easier for you if this were something else?"

"What?"

"Oh! I know! My outwardly cheerful appearance will conceal a deep depression, and you'll find me passed out in the woods after cutting myself and nurse me back to health!"

"Umm, no."

"Okay, how about if you're a senior in high school and I'm the new kid, and you're trying desperately to conceal your growing love of me to save your supercool image in the face of my openly admitting that I like boys?"

"No! I've never even been to conventional high school! I went to, ummm...supercool ninja training school! Yeah."

"Okay, I'll be a genetically engineered bioweapon to be sold to the highest bidder and you'll be a wealthy millionaire playboy who needs protection, so you buy me and attempt to get past my programming to the real person within!"

"No."

"Okay, I'll be a werewolf and you'll be a vampire, and"

"No!"

"Okayyyyyyyyy." Naruto closed his eyes for a minute. "How about Itachi captures me and ties me up, and you come in with a big bowl of strawberries and whipped cream, and then you both," Sasuke jumped off the cliff. He stared at the ocean below before closing his eyes and fell into it with a splash, and he was drowning, and so cold, and so wet, soaking wets, and...

Sasuke woke up lying in a sink, half full of water and soaked to the skin.

"What the?" he stared at it for a moment. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten Lee's stuff." He muttered before wandering off to go find dry clothes.

I had way too much fun with this one. To be clear, I'm not bashing SasuNaru. I'm bashing the ridiculous plots people come up with. If you liked this, please review and tell me? If you didn't like this, review and tell me. If you thought this was the worst piece of crap you've ever read and that I ought to be drawn, quartered, and burned at the stake, you can keep that to yourself.


	6. Chapter 6

Hope you enjoy this one! In case you haven't figured it out, everyone is having weird dreams, caused by Lee's mushrooms and all the other weird food they ate. If you have figured it out, you win a cookie!

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Naruto stood, drifting in space. Everything around him was blank and white.

"What the heck is going on?" he wondered.

(Oh! Sorry, I didn't know it was your turn. Hang on a minute.) A purple tailcoat appeared out of thin air with a poof to settle around Naruto's shoulders and slip itself onto him. Likewise did a purple to hat, which settled onto his head, and a gaudy walking stick cane thingy pushed itself into his hand. He glanced at his new outfit. "Okayyyy...I'm a pimp?" (No! Shut up it's starting.) Strains of cheerful music started up, and the scenery started to waver into place around him. "This is taking a while. You sure everything's okay?" (Yes! It's all fine! Stupid low effects budget...It just needs a good kicking!) The scenery shuddered and came into focus.

"Hey! You!" Naruto looked down to see Konahamaru, Moegi, and Udon looking up at him. "So, Naruto Uzuwonka, are you going to give us a tour of your famous ramen factory or what?"

"Of course small annoying child type person!" said Naruto beaming. "Come this way! Behold my wonderful ramen room! Everything in here is made out of ramen!"

"Yeah, I can see that." said Konohamaru squelching his way to a dry island of uncooked ramen and helping to pull Moegi up onto it, while Udon floundered in a pile of more noodles.(oh the irony!)

"Behold!" said Naruto again. My marvelous ramen waterfall! Waterfall id the only way to mix ramen! That's why my competitor Sasuke is failing! Because he doesn't have a giant noodle waterfall! And also because he sucks. Believe it!"

"Oh my gosh what's that?!" screamed Moegi, pointing across the lake of ramen that the waterfall fed into at a strange figure.

"Why, haven't you ever wondered why it is that no one ever comes in, and no one ever comes out, but the ramen keep getting delivered?" asked Naruto. There was a pause.

"Nope, not really." said Konohamaru.

"Machine assembly lines?" suggested Moegi.

"NO!" yelled Naruto. "Behold! These are my most special helpers! The Oompa Leempas! Come forth!" Immediately a line of tiny little people came forth, all with identical black bowl cuts, round eyes, giant eyebrows, and green jumpsuits.

"Oh dear god they're like the most terrible nightmare I've ever had!" screamed Moegi clinging to Konohamaru, who took the opportunity to cop a covert feel.

"Nonsense! Aren't they cute?" said Naruto happily. "Go on, sing us a song!" the Oompa Leempas glanced at each other and burst into a terrible ear piercing screech.

"Ooompa Leempa, youthful-dee-doo!

I've got a youthful puzzle for you!

Oompa Leempa Gai sensei dee dee!

If you want to be youthful, you'll listen to me!

What do you get when you start growing old?

Oldness that's what! And wrinkles and liver spots!

You must stop growing old! Stay forever tiny and youthful like us! Join us! Joiiiiiin usssss!"

Luckily at that moment Choji shoved his way to the front and dove into the pool of ramen, knocking all the Oompa Leempas in with him.

"Nooooo! Get out of there this instant! You're polluting my beautiful ramen!" wailed Naruto. "What are you doing here anyway? Get back to your own dream!"

"It hasn't started yet!" snapped Choji. "And besides, if given a choice between a lake of ramen and watching you try to seduce Sasuke, which would you choose?"

"OMG the first one!" screamed a wave of SasuNaru fangirls who appeared out of nowhere.

"Is that a trick question?" asked Naruto. However, Choji was already gone, having been sucked up into a pipe and humorously gotten stick in it. Naruto appeared to think of something. "Hey! Konohamaru! You're still in the village!"

"I'm what now?"

"Nevermind! When you wake up, tell Kakashi he has to come rescue us, we're stuck at that freaky camp again!"

"Kakashi isn't there, he went off on a trip to the Hidden Village of Sexy."

"Tell Jiraiya then!"

"He went too."

"Tsunade?"

"Drunk."

"Iruka?"

"He's broke from buying you all that ramen."

"What does that have to do with it?"

"So he went off on a mission to try and earn some money."

"Anyone?"

"I'll see what I can do."

"Right then."

"So...good luck with that evil counselor."

"Thanks."

"Ummmmm, can we go now?"

"Yeah, sure. Um. How do I get out of this thing?"

(Just give it a good kick.)

"K, thanks." Naruto kicked at a mushy pile of ramen, and promptly woke up.

"Wait a minute. Did I just willingly wake up from a dream filled with limitless piles of ramen? Noooooo! I've been waiting my entire life for that! I have nothing left to live forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Don't you want to be hokage stupid?" someone yelled. Naruto paused.

"Oh yeah! Thanks mysterious voice!"

"Now shut up and let me go back to sleep!" yelled Sasuke. "And stay out of my dreams stupid."

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Well, I hope you liked it! Once again, Pleeeeeeease review! I need to know how many people are reading this, because I've got a chapter coming up that will involve that. Plus I like to give cameos to people who review!  



	7. Chapter 7

Thank you wikipedia for more information on puppets than I ever wanted to know.

Kankuro dreamed of puppets.

"Woohoo!" he said. "Puppets everywhere! Look at them all! There are finger puppets, and sock puppets, and marionettes, and hand puppets, and rod puppets and shadow puppets and and puppets puppets and more puppets than you can shake a stick at! A marionette stick! Ha ha, I kill me!" Hmm. This isn't very interesting is it? "Hey! Puppets are very interesting? In fact the roots of European puppetry grew from the commedia dell'arte tradition. Traveling performers who practiced this "low culture" art often performed in half-masks or with puppets. The strong Italian tradition of marionettes flourished in the 18th century, producing many skillful performances, including the tragedy Dr. Faust. Many of these marionettes survive to this day, and allow students of the art to marvel at their highly defined controls. In the 19th century, the marionettes of the master Pietro Radillo became even more complex. Instead of just the rod and two strings, Radillo's marionettes were controlled by as many as eight strings, thus increasing the control over the individual body parts of the marionettes.

Another grand tradition of this time is that of the" Yeah yeah, we get the picture, puppets are creepy _and_ boring. And I'm desperate for length. Anyway, since Kankuro isn't being particularly amusing, we're going to have a special surprise guest. Who you ask? Why, it's insert fanfare here Naruto and Sasuke's time travel male pregnancy love child! Obito!

"Hi everyone! Now, I know what you're all thinking. How can I _prove_ that I'm Naruto and Sasuke's time travel male pregnancy love child? Well, to all you people who aren't SasuNaru, you already believe me. But, I shall explain to you, as it occurred to the author in a blinding flash of insight at 1 am after watching this one video of an Obito cosplayer lip syncing to to Barbie Girl. Anyway, as you can see, for one thing I look like a cross between Naruto and Sasuke. I have Naruto style hair and I also wear the Naruto's trademark goggles, but I'm, an Uchiha with black hair and a sharingan. Note also that in my team of ninjas I occupy Naruto's place, the hyper kid with a crush on the girl in our team, who in turn has a crush on the other cooler guy. And I wanted to prove my strength to said cooler guy to show him I was as strong as him. Before I got squished by the rocks that is. Now, some of you will thus think that this means Kakashi is like Sasuke. And that my friends, is wrong. Kakashi is not like Sasuke. Kakashi is like Danny from Grease! Or the Fonz! He's hip He's cool! All the guys want to be him, and all the girl want to be with him! He's the epitome of coolness! He's nothing like Sasuke! Well, Sasuke is also cool and has all the girls after him, but not as much as Kakashi! You're all wrong in your Sasuke Kakashi parallels! Wrong I say! All wrong!" Alright Obito, that's very nice. Now, how about you step over here where the nice men in white coats are waiting for you? Yes, that's good, thanks. And that's why Obito is the child Sasuke had when he and Naruto traveled back in time and Naruto got Sasuke pregnant. Yes. That is exactly what happened.

"Hey!" snapped Kankuro. "I though this was supposed to be my dream! Why did you let Obito take it over?" Because I wanted people to know the truth about Obito! "That's not a good reason!" Oh all right fine. I'll make it up to you. Hmm, we're still just barely two pages long. How about I fill the space with a little bit of something you'll like Kankuro? "Now you're talking!" Alright then. We'll go on for the next five pages with graphic Kankuro Inuyasha crossover lemony action! "What? No! I thought you meant more stuff about puppets!" Well, I suppose we could "No! Don't even finish that sentence!" But I was just gonna say that, "Anyone who does these cheesy author character conversations has a twisted mind and can not be trusted under any circumstance whatsoever." Well, I guess you're...hey wait a minute! "My poor poor puppets, I can only imagine what she was planning to do to you..." Well, okay, derived of my plan B, I got nothing, so I'm just ending this dream now. "Hey, you can't do that!" Watch me! Look, I'm adding the end note now and there's nothing you can do about it!

Eh he, sorry folks. Next one will be better, I promise! This one caught me at a bit of a loss. Plus I was absolutely dying to share my theory with you. And now here come the Obito fangirl flames! Woohoo! Really, I'm just kidding, please don't toast me. And Sasuke really is like Kakashi. It's crazy how much, in fact...hey, what's that? I thought I saw somethAGHEGRHERHSOMEBODYHELPMEARGGPBF!

Please hold. The author is being savaged by a rabid Obito 


	8. Chapter 8

Hiya folks! Now, I'm not anti-Temari, or anti-Ino. I like them both. Nor am I anti any pairings with them or Shikamaru, or any other combinations thereof. This fic is ShikaIno because I think it's cute however, and is written as such.

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Shikamaru dreamed... it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining warmly, the trees and grass waved in a soft breeze, the air was full of the beautiful absence of troublesome birdsong, and fluffy white clouds were skittering across the bright blue sky like lambs frisking across of field of grass. Blue grass. Bluegrass. Anyway, it was a lovely day. And he was lying back in the grass and staring up at the clouds in his favorite past-time. Man this guy is lazy. He even dreams of being lazy! I mean, when most people are dreaming of ramen factories and puppets and crazy shift he's dreaming of lying in the grass. Awww, but look how happy and peaceful he is. Have I mentioned that next to Kabuto he's my favorite character? Well he is you know. And I think for that I owe him a more interesting dream. Yes. So anyway, he lying on the grass, staring up at the clouds, when he heard the troublesome and rather annoying sound of two girl arguing.

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"**MINE!"**

**"MINE!"**

Shikamaru sat up with a sigh to see what all this commotion was about, and saw that the two arguers were Temari and Ino.

"What is so important that you feel the need to disturb my rest and invade my dream?" he asked.

"Why, you of course silly!" giggled Ino. "This tramp here seems to think that she should be your girlfriend when we're so obviously meant to be!"

"Don't listen to that skank Shikamaru! You know it's really me you want!" snapped Temari. And the two proceeded to argue with each other again about who was better for Shikamaru.

"Please stop being so troublesome. Shouldn't I be the one deciding this?" asked Shikamaru.

"Of course not."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"You people are being ridiculous. Get out of my dream." he ordered. "Can't you see I'm trying to get some rest here?" He was utterly ignored as the two girls resumed their argument. "Troublesome women." he muttered. "Isn't there anyone here who can help me?"

"Well, I probably could." Shikamaru turned around.

"Who's there?"

"It is I, the" sigh "Magical fairy Neji."

"Neji?"

"Hey, this isn't my choice, since that debacle last time with the costumes for the play the author cast me as a fairy."

"Ummm, yeah...Look, do you want me to get you something? A pair of pants maybe?"

"That'd be great thanks. This tutu is really breezy." Several minutes and one manly wardrobe change later Neji felt more suitably attired for wish granting.

"So, woman trouble eh?"

"Yeah, they just won't leave me alone."

"Well, I'm reasonably sure I can work something out with this wand."

"Go for it." Neji waved the wand though the air. Pretty little unmanly sparkles shot out of the tip.

"Voila!"

"Neji."

"Yes?"

"I don't think it worked."

"Why not?"

"Take a look at me why don't you."

"Shikamaru, where are you? Are you hiding behind that deer over there?"

"I am the deer stupid! Your defective wand turned me into a deer!"

"Oh dear."

"Shut up with the stupid puns and turn me back!"

"What stupid puns? Oh, nevermind. Let me just try again." He waved the pretty sparkly wand.

"Huh, that didn't seem to do anything." said Neji looking around. "Hey wait, what's that dust cloud on the horizon? Shikamaru, you've got sensitive deer ears now, what do you hear?"

"Deer senses tingling...I hear a great screaming, like somebody who wants to write a slash fic about us... Oh god it's the fangirls! Run for your life and your heterosexuality!" yelled Shikamaru whirling around and galloping as fast as he could in the other direction.

"No! I'm too young and pretty to die!" scremed Neji dashing after him.

"Shikamaru!!!"

"Neji!" shrieked the fangirls running after them.

"We love you!"

"Run faster!"

"Quick, climb this tree!" yelled Neji, climbing up a tree with his leet ninja skills.

"Deer can't climb you moron! Quick change me back!"

"I'm trying!" yelled Neji. "I think this stupid thing's broken!"

"Try harder!" But it was too late. The fangirls washed over him in a huge wave.

"Ohmigawd you're so cute!"

"You're a deer now! We can pair you up with Akamaru, or Tonton!"

"Why don't you go take Kiba for a ride on your back?" They dragged him off, kicking and leaving trails in the ground as he tried to hang onto it with hooves. And then...he woke up.

"Troublesome author." he groaned. "Someday I'm going to hunt her down and..."

"Well how do you think I feel?" groaned Neji. "That's twice she's put me in a dress!"

"Oh it's not worse than a bunch of other people have done. Besides, it's your fault for being so pretty. You should" Shikamaru was unable to finish his sentence before Neji's pillow was flung into his face.

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Hee hee, that was fun. Poor Shikamaru. Hey, at least he woke up before anything truly terrible happened. Like it? Hate it? Want to drown me in a bowl of cheese fondue? review and tell me! 


	9. Chapter 9

Here it is! This is Tenten's chapter, I hope you like it! if you don't like it, the evil pink pony cooking contest prize (ha ha, you thought I'd forgotten about that) will come and molest you while you sleep.

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Tenten woke up in her room in the village of Konoha. She looked around.

"What the? Oh, I get it! None of that was real! Being dragged back to the camp, that scary counselor, the terrible cooking contest, it was all a bad dream! Oh I feel so much better now." she sighed in relief. "Boy is it good to be back! I think I'll get up extra early!" She jumped out of bed and went over to her closet. It was when she opened it that she began to suspect that something was a little off.

It was full of incredibly girly clothing. Frilly dresses, super short miniskirts, tube tops, all covered in the latest designer labels and pink and hearts and lace.

"Mom!" She screamed, her voice a full five octaves higher than normal. "Where are all my clothes?!"

"Oh, I threw them out dear!" her mother's voice drifted up the stairs and into her room. "But I bought you some lovely new things! Aren't they nice?"

"Uh yeah, great mom!" called Tenten. She stared at her closet. "Okay. I'm a highly trained ninja. I can do something about this. I could sneak into some other girl's room and steal one of her outfits...no, all the other girls dress just as girly as these. And I can't wear some guys clothes!" she blushed at the very thought. "Okay, there's a simple solution. I'll leave early and buy a new outfit, and no one will ever have to see me in this!" She grinned at her smartness.

"Tenten dear!" her mom called. "Hurry up, you're already late for school!"

"What? Late! I can't be! This totally ruins my plan, no, I'll just have to be even more late." she said. She quickly tossed on one of the pink tube tops and mini skirts that seemed to compose ninety percent of her wardrobe now, since she wasn't even going to touch any of the dresses. She quickly grabbed her bag, and dashed out the door.

Tenten ran as fast as she could down the streets. Luckily, they seemed to be empty. She reached the door of the clothing shop with a sigh of relief and turned the handle. She froze. The door was locked. She slowly dragged her gaze up to the window, to see with dread a huge "Closed" sign on it.

"Oh no!" she yelled. Distantly she heard the first school bell ring. "Ah! I'm already late AND this place is closed!" She glanced around desperately, as though perhaps a suitable outfit would appear in midair, but alas it was not so. She sighed, gritted her teeth, and made the decision to just go one day like this. She'd hide in the back, attempt to change into gym clothes at lunch whether she had gym or not, and draw as little attention as possible. She began running again, this time towards the school building.

The final bell rang just as she got into the building. Her footsteps rang out in the empty hall as she walked with dread towards her classroom. She was SO late, and she knew it. She stopped at the door of the classroom, and held her breath as she reached for the doorknob. Maybe she could just slip in quietly without anyone noticing...

But no such luck. The door sprang open before she could even touch it.

"Ah Tenten!" the teacher said loudly. "So nice of you to join us! If you could perhaps just grace us with your presence?" he snapped sarcastically, pulling her in. "look class, Tenten has arrived! Isn't that wonderful?" he yelled to the class, completely shattering her hopes of a quiet entry. Every eye was glued to her, and she heard a stream of whispers and giggles go around the room. She tried to sneak to a chair in the back, but every single chair was filled except for one front and center seat. With a sigh she slumped down in it and tried to make herself invisible.

"The teacher walked to the front of the class. "Allright class, we can finally begin our lesson with no interruptions." he said. "Now, today we're learning about the seven principles of chakra. The first principle is how to train it. Naruto, can you give us an example of how to train your chakra? And NO" he said as Naruto opened his mouth, "eating ramen is NOT one of the ways to train it." Naruto closed his mouth and thought about it for a while. Finally Hinata, sitting next to him, whispered something in his ear. His face lit up.

"Oh yeah! This one time Kakashi sensei had us train our chakra by using it to run up trees!"

"Yes Naruto, that is, surprisingly, one of the correct ways to train chakra. Now, perhaps someone could tell me why this is a good method?" Tenten raised her hand. Everyone had already noticed her, so she might as well show them that despite her sudden change in outfit she was still the same tough tomboyish ninja she had always been. She could explain what her mom had done later. The teacher looked around the room. "Anyone? Anyone?" Tenten waved her hand. How could he not see her?" The teacher sighed. "Yes, Tenten? Do you need to go to the restroom to freshen up your makeup?" The entire class giggled and Tenten blushed.

"No sir, I want to answer the question." The teacher raised an eyebrow.

"Well this should be interesting. Go on then, tell us why running up trees is a good method of training chakra." Tenten opened her mouth to tell him how constant use and regulation of the placement of chakra strengthened the user's control over it. However, what came out was

"Well, like, it's totally not a good way you know, because like, you could totally mess up your hair that way, and besides, don't trees have like, bugs in them? Ewwww!" the entire class burst out laughing as Tenten clapped her hands over her traitorous mouth in horror. Where had that come from? What was going on? The teacher sighed.

"Yes, I suspected as much. Well Tenten, since you're so knowledgeable this morning, how about you help with the next part of the lesson give us a basic demonstration of weapon throwing? I assume you can at least hold a kunai by the right end?"

"Umm, yes sir!" said Tenten. She grabbed up her bag. She always kept it full of weapons, she'd just get one and prove to the class that her answer had just been a little fluke. She reached in and pulled out...A tube of lipstick? A cosmo magazine? A curling iron?

"Thi, this can't possibly be my bag! I must have accidentally grabbed someone else's bag!" she stuttered.

"It says Tenten on big letters in the front." the teacher pointed out caustically. "Come come, you didn't at least come to school with a single one of the things you're supposed to have?" Tenten dug frantically through the bag, looking frantically for anything that even remotely resembled a weapon. She was a weapons master, if she could just find something pointy she could make it work! She scrambled through and came out with a nail file. Granted with its flimsy plastic handle and blunt file made of cheap metal it was hardly ideal, but it vaguely resembled a knife! That was enough.

"The target is _that_ way Miss Tenten." said the teacher tapping his foot. "If you are going to take a break to file your nails, kindly do it quickly." Tenten gritted her teeth and turned towards the target, pretending it was in fact the teacher's head. She lifted the nail file, and, with a scream of frustration at the entire day, flung it as hard as she could at the target. She opened her eyes to complete silence. Everyone was staring at her, and at the neat hole in the exact center of the target where her makeshift weapon had gone straight through the wall. The silence was only broken by someone's pained cry of "Arrgh arrgh my head! _My head!_ There's a nail file in my head!" The teacher looked nervously at Tenten, who gave him a charming smile back.

"Ah, uh, ummm, well class..." however the teacher was spared the awkwardness of trying to think of something to say when the lunch bell rang. Tenten was the first out of the classroom, sighing in relief. Finally she'd have time to get a change of outfit and explain to her friends what had happened. She was immediately surrounded by a chattering group of girls. "Oh my gawd Tenten, where did you learn to do that?" asked one gum snapping valley girl. Tenten only had a moment to wonder why she was surrounded by a group of popular girls and not her friends, before a blond girl said "Look tenten, it's your boyfriend!" She sighed in relief as she felt and arm slide around her shoulder. Neji still understood what had happened! He wasn't disgusted or anything.

"Ah Tenten, you're looking just as hot as ever. I love your outfit today! And you really showed that teacher with your knife throwing! I can see you've been doing your youthful best in training!" she froze with horror, and slowly turned, to see Rock Lee standing right next to her with his arm around her. "Give me a kiss of youth!" he said.

"AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Tenten sat bolt upright in bed. She stared around her. Bunk beds. Cabins. Other ninja girls.

Sakura looked sleepily at Temari.

"Temari, why is Tenten running around hugging everything and screaming..." she paused for a moment, "Yay camp, I'm back I'm back, I love this place so much, no more miniskirts and smooching Rock Lee?"

"The food must have finally got to her." said Temari rolling over.

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This chapter is dedicated to all my wonderful reviewers! You guys are the best! So, as a reward for your awesomeness, just name the character whose dream you want to see next in your review, and I will undergo a marathon writing session and write them, and then post them all at once! Your reviews inspire me to keep writing this! As always, praise, criticism, ideas, and the like are loved! 


	10. Note

Hey guys. This is just a short update to say I'm sorry I haven't put up anything for a while, I was dragged off on a trip with barely a days notice and stuck in another state without a computer :( Luckily I'm back now, and will be updating the rest of the dreams as soon as I've written them. Thanks for putting up with me!


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